Same Track, Different Destination

March 27. 2009

2009-04-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

...changed my life.

It wasn't particularly different or amazing or eventful. Work. Study. Unnecessary reality show. But as I went to bed that night, I realized I was different. It is weird to even describe how I knew, but I knew. Mainly because I physically and emotionally felt changed. My life has been a bit off for me the past three years. And at the end of that day, I felt that I was coming back to being me...the real me.

It began with a Mistake, shifted with a Marine and ended with a Matchmaker.

Like a mother in gestation, I could feel something inside me changing for quite some time. I did not know when the feeling of change would end, but that night it did.

I have not reached my end goal yet, but I at least know what I want my end goal to be. It has been a hazy road for a while.

I begin by getting rid of all of my toxic relationships. This is a good beginning I think. I also am trying to be more of a lady and less like a dude. The later will definitely be the bigger challenge for me I am sure.

Regardless, this is progress.

And it feels great.

The Tale of the Junk Box and a List

2009-03-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Most people have a junk box. A box full of stuff that they do not know what to do with. Do you throw it away? Do you save it? Why in the world did you feel the need to hang on to it? I had many junk boxes. In fact, I had five. They have moved with me and multiplied over the years. All they do is take up space. They make my room look messy no matter how clean I tried to keep it.

Finally today I went through my junk boxes. It actually only took about an hour. Funny how the project seemed more daunting than that for so long. I found a lot of cool stuff that I already own and had completely forgotten about. Like a watch. That I am currently wearing, although it needs a new battery. Amongst the endless amounts of old bank account statements and paycheck stubs, I rediscovered parts of me. I also came across some pictures of me that made me realize that I am old. But that is besides the point.

I came across an old notebook. In it was various notes that did not make any sense to me now, but I am sure were extremely important at the time. Buried deep with in the book was a list. A list that I had completely forgotten about.

In my English 315 class at BYU, the grad student instructor did his best to make the class as interesting as possible. He also tried to get us to do things to get us to think outside of just the class, which I appreciated, he did this in the form of optional weekly assignments. Many of them included watching movie classics like A Streetcar Named Desire. One of the assignments was to make a list of 100 things you want to do in your lifetime. I like making lists. Mainly so I can cross things off as I complete them. So I did this assignment and then transcribed it to this little notebook.

Now, making such a list was Hollywoodified by the movie Bucket List. A buddy, cancer, dying movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, and unless you are over the age of 50 or my ex boyfriend, you won't appreciate the movie. But the idea of making a list of things you want to do before you "kick the bucket" is relative to my story.

Many things on my list were ridiculous like being a migrant worker or rafting down the Mississippi, or even whittling a lute. Many were dealing with travel like making out on the Golden Gate Bridge or doing a jig on the Great Wall of China. Many were spiritual like getting married in the temple, developing a habit of meaningful prayer. Some were personal like finishing all of my paint by numbers or learning how to knit. But most of them were dealing with my family or my future family like taking my boys to professional baseball games or reading Little Women with my girls. It was a very ambitious list.

It made me wonder if I will actually do anything on this list. I tend to be a very complacent person at times and just take the easiest route available. Will I take the time to do all of these things? Or will I say that life is too crazy and hectic and not do many of the meaningful things that are on this list? It was a bit of an unexpected wake up call. But a good one.

I don't know what the point of this post was. Nor the point to which I am getting. Maybe is to reaffirm my desire to do many of things on that list, to help me to stick to goals and dreams that I have. I dunno.

My suggestion is to go through any junk boxes or closets or whatever place to you have that you just put things to put things. It's productive, plus you never know what you may rediscover about yourself.

Writer's Block

2009-03-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have so much to say. So much to express. So much to get off my chest. I feel unfulfilled...and somehow I get the feeling that if I write about it, the void will disappear.

But cannot think of anything to say. Staring at the screen provides little inspiration.

I feel like I should be eloquent, draw masterful illusions to my life. But nothing comes out. Only fragmented, incomplete thoughts scatter through my mind.

Nothing comes. Only the blank page. I wish it could be automatic. I wish the cathartic power of writing would just happen. The struggle of creation is overwhelming.

An explosion of thought is at my fingertips, but the muscles cannot move to produce the words.

Words matter. And I cannot think of any.

Social Experiment

2009-02-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

My social independence has made me lazy. I have no motivation to be social, hence my lack of a social life. In order for me to get out and be amongst the youth, I have to put pressure on myself. Therefore, I like to volunteer to bring food and such to ward events. When I do volunteer I make myself go because I would feel guilty not fulfilling my assignment. Because really its not like there isn't going to be seven different pasta salads (one with pepperoni, really? it was gross) at the ward bbq and me not bringing mine isn't going to be the end of the world. Nonetheless I went. I even went to the "afterparty" which featured the movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Here are the highlights of my evening:

1. I feel like I have one friend in the ward. We both give each other a hard time so I figure that it is a basis of any solid Emily friendship. So I was being my typical lovely self and the two of us were having a nice banter when some girl interrupts and asks me, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I reply, "No."

She quips, "Well you aren't ever going to get one if you talk to boys that way."

I wanted to punch her in the face.

2. Some kid was trying to seem impressive so he pulled out his guitar and started to play. Flocks of girls soon surrounded him. It was pretty pathetic. Especially when he started taking requests and someone asked him to play an "OG". And yes, his original pieces of work were just as fantastic as you would expect.

3. At the "afterparty", I got two girls in the corner who were clearly whispering about me. And I am not just being paranoid or sensitive. I also got this annoying girl talking about how sad it is that she has never had a Valentine her entire life. And finally a fourth girl is trying to wrestle/tickle all the boys in the room. All while I sat on the couch asking myself why I want to be social in the first place.

4. I got a kick out of the movie (all the other girls were offended by the themes of the movie). I proclaimed that I could not wait for the day that a man would sing Bless Your Beautiful Hide to me. My one friend said that he would be sure to learn the lyrics for me.

All in all I gave myself an A for effort but the evening as a whole was really awkward. Also awkward is that I have become the Sacrament Meeting rebound girl for the boys in the ward. The Sundays after a recent break up, the boys have no one else to sit next to during Sacrament Meeting. So who is the back up? Apparently, me. First time it happened, uncomfortable. Second time it happened, coincidence. Third time, pattern.

How does one relinquish that title?

Frustration Mounts

2009-02-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

I am sorry you are going through a hard time.

I am sorry you nearly broke your back and are bed ridden.

I am sorry you cannot sleep.

I am sorry your wife will be deployed for a year.

I am sorry you have no friends.

I am sorry you cry all night long.

But....

IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

It pains me to be cruel, but these are consequences to the choices YOU made. I am not responsible for you anymore. You broke up with me. Of course you miss my friendship because it wasn't merely friendship. I wanted to marry you. I treated you like you were my own. You lost that privilege the moment you put a ring on someone else's finger.

You wanted this because you didn't want me. You were the one who gave it away.

So...

Don't feel betrayed that my family never wants to see you again.

Don't tell me that I am all you have right now.

Don't make me feel responsible for your happiness.

Don't expect me to drop everything to care for you.

Don't become upset at the possibility of me moving.

Don't sit and tell me that I am a true friend.

You know it is in my nature to give more than I should (remember it was a reason why you ended things to begin with). It is not appropriate for me to still be a vital role in your life. Not for you. Not for me. And especially not for her. I do not have a lot either. But I cannot go down this path any longer.

Good bye, good luck and I am no longer sorry.

Neverland

2009-02-16T20:36:00.000-08:00

You tempt me.

I know it is a foolish thought. There was a reason I left.

Neverland.

But you tempt me.

I want to feel something again. I want to be me again.

Neverland.

I can never be completely satisfied.

Same Story, Different Day

2008-09-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

I had a telephone conversation with him the other day. Yes the same him whom I have sworn off time and time again. The same him who I gave everything to and got very little in return. The same him whom emotional attachment and sincere feelings are forever blurred.

But it was somehow to different this time. It was very honest. Very real. Both discussing the underlying issues of our very odd and dysfunctional friendship. We both spoke with strange eloquence. Like a screenwriter had handed us our lines the day before.

Nothing changed. Nothing new was really revealed. It was just so refreshing to have an honest, open, real conversation. Especially with someone that I really truly care about (no matter how much I tell myself otherwise). I just want you to be happy in whatever you choose to have your life be, just existing is an unacceptable option. Not for you, not for me.

On a separate note, just in case you all were wondering, I still have the uncanny ability to unknowingly flirt with and unintentionally lead on those who I have no romatic interest in at all. My life needless to say is awesome.

I had a dog....(for two hours)

2008-07-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

(Editors note: I am just going to pretend that I have not updated since February and act like I have been blogging everyday since then. Sorry for my absence, I am a bit of a loser)

Upon arrival from a week long trip, my family discovered a dog had been living in our front yard while we were gone. She was a very cute dog and I am terrible at identifying dog breeds so forgive me for not being more specific on physical description. I am pretty sure she was a mutt regardless. She was perfect. No collar. Seemed well enough behaved. It was like heaven had dropped this creature for me to have and love and cure my desire for a dog. But my glorious stray dog had one glaring flaw-- she was terrified of people. Anyone who even came close to her, she would back away, not because she didn't like you, but because she was absolutely afraid of you. I have never in my life seen a dog that was like that. I thought all dogs loved people. Or if they didn't love them, they wanted to eat them. My stray was absolutely terrified of me. All I wanted to do was pet her.

I found some hot dog buns in the fridge to give to her a peace offering. She was very skeptical at first but eventually the hunger took over and she ate what I had to offer. She did not come near. If you even hinted at moving towards her, she would back away with fear in her eyes. What happened to her to make her not trust anyone?

I checked on her every so often, hoping each visit would bring me closer to physical contact. If only she knew my intentions were so geninue.

At about eight o'clock I checked on her and she was no where to be found. I was very upset. I got a flash light and started to look around the cul-de-sac for a while trying to find her. Although I am not sure what I would do if I had found her because it is not like she would come to me. After a few moments of searching I gave up and went inside. I then started to worry about her. I hoped that if she had gone somewhere else that she would find a good home. I hoped that she was not hit by a car. I wished that she had stayed longer to like me.

Last night as I was falling asleep I realized that this dog situation was just another example of my own downfall. I was not sad because my stray dog had abandoned me so that I could not have a pet anymore, I was sad because I was not going to be able to fix her. I was not going to be able to rehabilitate her to like people again. I was denied the possiblity of taking something broken and making it whole again. My obsession over fixing things has always got me into trouble. In the end, those that I fix leave. I am good for the purpose I provide and then that is it.

But yet I am still drawn to those that I deem need to be "fixed". Like the two boys at work. Instead of focusing my efforts on the one who is the most stable, the nicest kid in the world, who thinks I am the sweetest person he has ever met. Nope, instead I focus on the jackass. The one who claims he does not need anyone. The one who constantly rags on me. The one who pushes my buttons just because he can. The one I think needs to be saved.

I am my own downfall.

Nickname #27

2008-02-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

Emilene.

I really hate it in a way. But I have to give him credit for his creativity because no one has come up with that one before.

Plus when he sings it at me in a kind of country twang, it is rather adorable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also his home town is right by the Mississippi, my dream to raft down the Mighty River is that much closer to reality.

Survivor

2008-02-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am on some sort of reality show.

In the three plus months that I have worked for Enterprise, I have worked at the same office (which is apparently a big deal because they move Management Trainees around a lot). As of this past Monday, Kyle left to go work at the airport, making me the last of the group of seven people that worked at my branch when I first got there. Honestly it was kind of sad. I miss having all those guys around. Now its me, Michelle, Justin and this kid Cole who is back from his four months at the airport. I have a feeling that I am going to be here for a while, which I have mixed emotions about. Although I love where I work, it would be nice to get a different side of the business with a different mananger and a different type of branch. But alas, I am where I am and will probably be there until I get promoted.

Justin will probably be promoted within a little while, which I also have mixed emotions about. But that is a different story for a different day.

Other than that, work has been really good. I get overwhelmed sometimes because I think that I am not cut out for this suprisingly high stress, highly competitive business of renting cars. But when I do I have my sweet reliable manager Justin to talk me through my issues and let me know that I am awesome. He has more patience with me than I would have with myself. If I was my boss I would say, "Get over yourself. If you don't think you can do it, maybe you can't and you should think about another job." Maybe it's a good thing I am not a manager yet.

One night this week, we had to deliver a car out to a church for this guy as Justin put it was a "crazy cultish Bible thumper." It was exciting. We arrived at the church at around seven o'clock, which is always fun considering I was supposed to be off an hour eariler. The church was huge and literally there were thousands of cars in this massive parking lot. Somehow we were supposed to find this guy. Apparently there was some huge religious event that evening there with speakers and concerts and a whole bunch of awesome Godly activities. Justin and I were getting nervous about the crowd and every one who we were both convinced were a part of a cult.

Somehow we find the guy. Just picture Patrick Swayze's character in Donnie Darko. That is how awesome this guy is. He is dressed in this tight white pearl snap button down shirt that had darker white flowers on it. and tight jeans He was from California and travels around the country for a company called Dream Machine and they get people all hyped up about Jesus. He was talking about how awesome the event was. Awesome speakers. Awesome rock bands. Awesome hip hop. It is hard for me to not laugh at this man.

So Justin and I finish the transaction with this guy and go to find our driver who was following us with a car to head back in. At this point the concert is getting out and there are people everywhere. Next thing I know, Justin grabs me by the arm and start to run telling me we have to hurry. I laugh and ask why. "Don't you feel the heat?" he asks. I reply that I don't. He says well, this place is going to start burning to the ground soon because all hell is going to break lose. I laugh and we are running through the parking lot to escape. I joke, "Well at least you have a Mormon with you." "Yeah, I suppose that will offset the fact that some people think that I am an atheist." he replies.

We eventually find our driver and get out of there before the place did burn to the ground.

Well I suppose if I am the last man standing in this Enterprise reality show, at least I get to be with the coolest guy in the world.

The Man I am in Love with

2008-02-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

Michelle: A friend invited me to go to the Counting Crows concert tonight. I think I am going to go.
Justin: Yeah? I am going to that too.
Me: (weird look on face) The Counting Crows don't really do it for me.
Justin: How can you not like Counting Crows?
Me: I dunno. I just don't like them.
Justin: Oh I am sorry they aren't Mute Math...or Tricky Algebra or whatever stuff you listen to.

I also love that he tries to use "big" words because I do apparently.

Me: I see what you are saying Michelle. You have to decide whether you are going to be by the spirit of the law or the letter of the law.
Justin (looks at me puzzled): Where do you come up with what you say?
Me: Have you never heard that before?
Justin: When in Rome...

I am in trouble.

Last Night

2007-12-15T09:44:00.001-08:00

....was the best night of my life.

Call for details

Glimpse of My Day III

2007-12-14T10:15:00.001-08:00

Scene: At work.
Characters: Justin, Emily
Empty office. Justin and Emily sitting at their desks

Justin: You excited about the dance on Saturday? (work Christmas party)
Emily: Yes it's going to be like the prom I never had.
Justin: You never went to prom?
Emily: Nope.
Justin: Why not?
Emily: Uh...no one asked me.
Justin: Well how come no one asked you?
Emily: Uh.....I wish I had the answer for you but I have no idea.
Justin: So wait, you didn't go either year?
Emily: Correct.
Justin: Seriously? I thought you had a boyfriend in high school.
Emily: Nope.
Justin: So you never went to prom?
Emily: Yep. Never.
Justin: I wish you weren't a liar.
Emily: How am I liar?
Justin: I can just tell. I can read people.

Scene Two
Scene: The office.
Characters: Emily, Michelle, Justin, Kurtis
Kyle enters the office.
Kyle: Man, it just been one of those days.
Michelle: Why what happened?
Kyle: I got lost on the way to the car drop off.
Emily: Geez Kyle I can't believe you got lost. I mean who gets lost? You've got to be the biggest idiot in the world to get lost.
Kyle: I know I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I oversleep this morning and I turn into Emily.
Emily laughs until she cries.
Emily (leaving the room): You guys are so lucky I am not a bitch.

Glimpse of My Day II

2007-12-09T15:40:00.001-08:00

Scene: Driving together to a Coyotes Hockey game (gotta love a company that pays for things).
Characters: Justin, Michelle, Kurtis, and myself.

Silence in the car.
Emily: Did you guys have imaginary friends when you were growing up?
Laughter from everyone.
Justin: No, I had real friends.
Michelle: I did.
Justin: Why do you say the things you say?
Emily: I was just wondering. I had an imaginary back up band.
Laughter.
Justin: Why are you still talking about this?
Emily: Because its funny!
Justin: Well no one is ever going to hang out with you again after tonight if you keep this up.
Emily: Justin you love me.
Justin: No I don't. You are weird.
Emily: But that is why you love me.
Justin: You keep thinking that Em.
Emily: I loved my imaginary back up band.
Laughter.
Justin: Quit it!

A Glimpse of My Day

2007-12-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

So it was closing time. We were all doing our last of the day duties. I was putting a couple of contracts away and I began to think about what I wanted to have for dinner.

"I want red meat." I said aloud.
Everybody laughs.
"Seriously?" Justin asks "What in the world are you talking about. No one was saying anything. We weren't even talking about food."
"Yeah that was really weird." Kurtis adds.
"That seems like a normal thing to say!" I defend myself.
"No, it really doesn't." Justin laughs "No one mentioned anything about food."
"Well, in my mind it made complete sense."
"You do realize that none of us can actually follow along with what you are saying in your own head."
Kyle walks into the room.
"Hey Kyle!" I exclaim looking for vindication "If someone were to say that they wanted red meat, would that be weird?"
"No, not at all,"
"Thank you! See you guys I am not crazy,"
"Kyle you must realize that no one had said anything at all for like five minutes and all of the sudden Emily goes, 'Hey I would like some red meat.'" Justin explains.
"But Kyle it's normal," I retort.
"Yeah for you that is a completely normal thing to say," Kyle quips.
I lost.

That stuff like that goes on about 89% of the day. I love it.

And I also never got red meat. I still crave it.

The Night That Almost Was

2007-12-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

My life will continue to be awesome.....

Justin and I continue to have an on going, out of work conversation via text messaging. I enjoy it, mainly because he will play along and participate and answer the inappropriate, personal questions that I ask him. Like when I asked him if he had ever been in love. He responded that he had been...twice and that he messed both relationships up. I enjoy someone who is as open about their personal life as I am.

I finally got the courage to confront him about going to the game with me on Friday. I waited until it was just the two of us in the office. He said that he would go and that he looked forward to going. I'm pretty sure that I started to blush, so I quickly walked away from him as I said that I would show him a good time.

Friday came along and I was so excited about going with him. It was going to be one of the first social things that I have done in quite awhile and it was going to be with this fantastic guy. And we were going to a Suns game which is always a good time. The game was an hour sooner that I had originally thought it was which made me nervous because of how late we get out of work and I really didn't want to be late.

Michelle at one point asked Justin what he was doing that night and he said something about going to Scottsdale. I was confused. Then Winston, one of his Enterprise buddies, asked him what he was doing and Justin said that he was tired and was going to just sleep. I was concerned. I thought that he had forgotten or he was just going to blow me off completely. All of the worst case scenarios started to fill my mind.

Finally I got a moment when it was just the two of us and I asked him, "Hey are you going to bail on me with the game?"

"Of course not. We are still going. I'm not afraid."

"I didn't think you were afraid."

"Good. Then it's still on."

I was relieved but still confused. I'm sure he didn't say anything about it because he doesn't want to broadcast that we have outside of the workplace contact. After all, he is my boss.

Yesterday was the last day of the month and there are all sorts of different reports that you have to do by the end of the day. These can get a bit lengthy just because of how tedious they are. Justin because of this status has to stay until it gets done. I was sent home at about six twenty and the game started at seven. I was getting worried. After I got home I sent him a text message about how much longer he was going to be. He said it was going to be another thirty minutes or so. Anyway, after much discussion, he said that he didn't want to be that late to the game and didn't want me to be late either. He said that we would go to another game together. I was extremely disappointed.

He called me (a first) after he got out of work. He apologized for not being able to go. I told him that it was ok.

"No it's not ok Emily. We were going to go to the game together and now we aren't."

"Well it's just one of those things that happens."

"Don't let me off the hook like that. Here's the thing, I hate being late to things, especially sporting events. I have never been to a Suns game before and I don't want to show up half way through it. So next time you have tickets, we are going to go together. We will get off work early so that way we don't have to worry about being late. And we will have an awesome time. Ok?"

"Ok, we will do that."

"Good. Well have a good weekend and I will see you Monday Emily."

So I had an almost date. Which I guess I will have at a later date. Now to convince my family to give me the tickets to the game again after I was not able to use them when I had them this time. I'll make it work I guess. It will be nice to spend the evening with him.

The Proposals

2007-11-26T19:54:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem.

I am leading on the wrong guy and not leading strong enough the one I want.

I know that Kyle is straight, but in my mind I think that he is gay. So I treat him like I would any other gay man. I flirt and put myself out there because I know in the end that they aren't taking me home at the end of the night. But Kyle is straight....and might actually want to take me home.

I think I have a problem.

I didn't want to go to the corporate Christmas Party by myself. But the person that I want to go with is so anti-date, a guys guy, the alpha male. I cannot ask him. But I can ask my non-gay gay friend, Kyle. This way I can look smokin' hot and have a date and but "unobtainable" for someone else. I'm pretty sure that makes me a horrible person. I really didn't think that it was going to be such a big deal until I asked Kyle to go with me.

My intentions were to have it be completely casual.

"Hey Kyle,"
"Yes Emily,"
"Hey I have a proposition for you."
"What's that?"
"We should go to the Christmas party together."
He gets a huge smile on his face and I'm pretty sure he starts to blush.
"Well, I wasn't planning on going because I thought it was going to be lame, but if I go with you I am there for sure."
"Oh totally, it will be fantasticly awesome if I am with you."
"This is great! You are my date."
At this point I realize that this now means so much more to him than it means to me, but I cannot re-define the arrangement.

I finally got Justin's number. I played it off like I needed it for work purposes, which was true. I think he saw through me because his response was, "You know, you could have just asked me for it."
"I know, but this way I don't put myself out there as much."

So now we text all the time outside of work. And we do a good job of keeping our outside of work conversation out of the daily office stuff, which I like. It feels more professional and appropriate. I just really want to ask him to hang out. And I did invite him to a Suns game on Friday night to which I got, If I don't go out of town, maybe.

I am no good at this.

Kid Sister

2007-11-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've decided that me and Justin more resemble the lovable duo of Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepard in the late eighties sitcom Moonlighting. I am not quite sure why I watched it when I was growing up but I did and for some reason their chemistry got me hooked from day one. (Still unsure why my parents allowed me to watch it either. Pretty sure there was plenty of "adult situations" throughout.) Also fitting, Justin shares the last name of one of the actors.

I digress.

I am officially the kid sister of the group. Every single one of them gives me the hardest time. Even sweet Kyle joins in every once in a while. But it's ok, I can take it, although every once in a while I want to yell at them to respect me more. I know that they do and that they kid because they care.

Justin also winks at me. Now I haven't had a winker in my life since Loren the Horrid Landlord, and his winks were just creepy. Justin does it as actual flirting which still creeps me out just not as much. Also, I still don't know how to handle him just looking at me, I still tell him to stop it with the creepy looks.

Yesterday after we were giving each other a bad time, he looks me right in the eyes and says, "Has anyone told you how much I can't stand you?".

Moonlighting baby, Moonlighting

Friday Maddness

2007-11-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

Work was crazy on Friday afternoon.

(P.S. Until my life gets more interesting, I will be having a whole lot of blogs just about my work life.)

From about 3:30-5:30 there was at least six people in the lobby waiting for cars, to be dropped back at body shops, dealerships, etc.

I got yelled at by an old lady for the first time in my Enterprise career. It was so awesome. I loved it. I turned to Kyle and told him that he could take care of her instead. Old women love Kyle...another reason why I think he is gay. I'm still undecided about that one. He gives off mixed signals. I should just let it go, but for some reason I have to know. But at the same time I can't just say, "Hey Kyle, do you like dudes?"

The Justin Crush Saga continues. If nothing else it's fun to have someone to flirt with.

I was giving Michelle some relationship advice (I know, very ironic) and I told her she needs to find the balance between being too needy and playing games. (Move over Mystery, I am the new guru of male/female interactions.) Justin response: "We've got our own little Dr. Phil here."

I ignored him and continued to talk to Michelle. When I was done I told Justin to never call me that again.

Later on that morning when I was doing my duties at my desk, Justin came over to talk to me. We had the same idle chit-chat for a while and then I went back to my work. Justin hung around and was leaning over my desk wall and I could tell that he was just looking at me. It made me uncomfortable because when people actually show interest in me, I feel uneasy. I stopped what I was doing and asked him to stop looking at me creepily.

"I am not looking at you creepily, I am just looking at you!"

"No you aren't, you have a creepy look to you so stop it."

"Oh well thanks. I look creepy."

"Well you had a creepy look to you."

"Well I'm sorry I guess I will just get plastic surgery to change that for you."

I then felt bad. Good job Em, way to make a guy feel good about himself.

But back to the afternoon I could tell that Justin was getting frustrated. Between the rude customers, three new people who aren't as fast as we should be, and Michelle being harsh to him, I felt bad for him. The tipping point was when the drivers messed up and forgot to get a 15 passenger van for a customer who had been waiting for it for about 45 minutes. Justin was freaking out. He found another one at the Deer Valley Airport branch and sent me and Kyle out to get it. We had a delightful time. He told me that his mother is his best friend (more proof on the side that he is gay because he called her his mother).

Anyway when we get to the branch we find that we have to go somewhere else to get the van. We headed out and called Justin on our walkie talkies and told him where we were going. You could tell the frustration in his voice when he told us just to get back as soon as we could. I wanted to make Justin feel better.

"Watch this Kyle, this may be annoying but oh well." I alerted the base walkie talkie.

Justin: "Go ahead"

Me: "Hey Justin, this is Emily,"

Justin: "Yeah."

Me: "I just wanted to tell you that you are my favorite."

Justin: "Well thank you very much but I won't be your favorite after I make you stay until 7:30 on a Friday night."

Kyle: "You can tell that he is smiling,"

I nod.

Me: "Well perhaps. But I will think of something to get back at you for this. It may be a while, but I will think of it and you will know."

Justin (laughing): "Alright Emily I look forward to that."

Kyle: "Good job Emily, he liked that."

Me: "That's what I'm here for."

Eventually we get the van and head back to the branch. Justin thanks me for going to get it and Michelle tells me that I can go home. While I am at my desk cleaning it up for the end of the day, Justin walks by. "Hey Justin,"

"Yeah,"

"I was serious what I said on the walkie."

He smiles and gives me a high five (which he does a lot). "Thanks, I appreciate that."

As I leave I tell Justin to have a good weekend and relax. "Oh don't worry, I am going to get piss drunk tonight and I will be just fine."

"Well don't be too crazy."

"I make no promises."

Week one is complete and I am in love with my job.

Victory

2007-11-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Today one of my most favorite things happened.

People realized how cool I actually am.

Now this goes along quite nicely with my blog of the other day. I was feeling kinda low about the whole social inabilities that I have. But today was awesome. I have a tendancy to hold back and not be as outgoing and friendly as I usually am when I first meet people. I suppose I am merely testing people. Seeing if they are worthy enough for my entire personality. Sometimes people pass, other times people don't. I do little litmus tests along the way. I'll make a sarcastic remark. I'll be witty or clever once in a while, just to see how people will respond. If they respond favorably, I know that I can continue with these kinds of behaviors. Otherwise, I resort back to quiet, reserved Emily. More often than not, this process takes a while for me. There have been rare occasions where I immediately let my guard down around people from the beginning. But those are rare.

These past couple of days at work, I have been letting my guard down and today it was complete.

It was a beautiful moment.

Justin, the assistant manager, made some smart ass comment about how something that I was assigned to do wasn't completed because I was being lazy.

I snapped back, "I'm sorry, I was dropping a customer back at the bodyshop like you asked me to, jackass."

Everyone laughed. It was amazing.

Justin with his pride a bit wounded said, "You know when you were doing your observations here, you were just this little sweet girl, sitting down not saying a word to anyone (He now begins to do an impression of me. He sits down on a chair, sitting completely upright, shoulders back, batting his eyes.) I cannot believe you are the same girl. What happened to you?"

I smiled, "I've always been like this."

Victory.

I can tell that Justin likes me. He teases me more than others at the branch. He is one of those people that the more grief he gives you the more he likes you. I also appreciate how every once in a while when the dirty jokes get a little too out of hand he says, "Hey come on guys, Emily is standing right here, she doesn't need to hear you talk like that." Its nice to have someone realize that you are a girl.

Yeah, I definitely have a crush on him.

Socially Inept

2007-10-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love my new job. It is exciting, fun and my eleven hour days literally just seem to fly by. I am completely exhausted at the end of the day but that is something that will change with time.

I am still trying to take advantage of people taking me out to lunch. I love it. Michelle and I went to Maccyo's yesterday and it was fantastic.

The best part about the job is driving all of these awesome cars and meeting the most interesting people. Plus it is the guys that I work with. Honestly they are amazingly cool and relaxed and just want me to succeed. I literally cannot choose my favorite person there. I am pretty sure I have a small crush on Justin. I would be madly in love with Kyle but I am still convinced that he is gay. Jon makes me laugh and I can tell him to shut up and he thinks that it is the funniest thing in the world. Lazer isn't at the branch anymore but I still love him because he is insane. Michelle is awesome. I love her to death even though for some reason she calls me Amanda every once in a while. Kurtis is just kinda there for the ride. He really isn't that funny or outgoing, but I am sure that will come with time. Honestly, the only person that I don't like is Jesse my fellow trainee. And its probably because I am jealous that he hogs my "I'm the cool new guy" vibe every so often, even though I am quite convince that I am everyone's favorite newbie.

But even after just two days at the branch and all of the fun bonding that I have been able to do with people, I still feel anxious around them in certain regards. Like the dinner fiasco last night. Even though I was invited through two different mediums (email and phone call from Lazer), once I got home the thought of going to dinner with people I didn't know very well, scared the hell out of me. I became so anxious about it with thoughts like this running through my head:

What if they really didn't want me there?
What if they think I am a kiss up showing up to a work social function on my first day?
I mean, this is a going away party for a kid that I have never met before.
What if I get there and they are all disappointed because I am somehow ruining their fun?

It was nonsense like this that made it so that I was unable to go to it at all. It was at this point that I realized that I have social problems that I need to get over. But at least I am aware of them and I will try my best to work through them.

But what I am focused on right now is tomorrow. Its Halloween and our area manager told us we can dress up if we want. I think I am going to go as old school Randy Moss.....I love working with boys.

It's Tired in Here

2007-10-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

Today was my observation day at the branch. It was pretty fun. Michelle the branch manager pulled me aside and said how excited she was for me to come to the branch and as she put it, have more estrogen in the office.

They really didn't want us to do anything. Just watch. Which I was fine with. I really like everyone I work with. They are fun and candid which I appreciate. And I think that I got asked out my someone at another branch today. All the sudden Justin the Assistant Manager says to me, "Hey Emily, Ryan is on the line and he wants to know what your religious afflication is."

I was confused and all I could muster out is, "Um....what?"

Justin: "He wants to know what your religious afflication is."

Me: "I'm Mormon."

Justin: "Good. So is he."

I overhear the rest of the conversation...."Yeah she is. Oh you want her over at your branch. Nope too bad, she's here with me. You want to go to lunch with her next week. I'll let her know."

Justin (to me): "You and Ryan are going out to lunch next week."

Me (bright red at this point): "Ok. Fine with me."

Michelle: "Ignore them."

We'll see.

Justin is my favorite though...but actually they are all pretty awesome.

They keep taking us out to lunch and this is not helping me with my diet. And as a side note, I have lost twelve pounds in the last month or so, which is nice.

But I am exhausted and I think my eyes are bad. Once my insurance kicks in I need to get my eyes checked. Since I'm going to be driving around so much, I will need to be able to see.

Well, I need to go study for my test tomorrow on my last day of training. If you don't pass it, you are fired. But I'm pretty sure I will pass.

....continued...

2007-10-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

Training was alright today. It was a bit slow and draining. But there was some highlights:

My competitive side came through in all it's glory when we played a Jeopardy type game but instead of a buzzer to ring in to give the correct answer, you had to be the first to through this koosh ball to the front of the room. After the first question when my teammate was too slow about the throw. I took it from her and promptly answered the next five questions correctly. I honestly couldn't help it. It was awful. Everyone else in the class started laughing at me, I am sure that some were making fun of me, but I don't care. I HAD to win....and we did. I won our team Enterprise water bottles. I declared myself the MVP.

MaryAnne asked me if I had done any face or hair modeling. I laughed and said absolutely not. She said that if she had a cosmetics line, she would use me as her model. She said she had not seen a more perfect face (clearly, she didn't look too close). Nonetheless, she is now my favorite.

Also my favorite Jonathan....he is a pretty sharp dresser.

The Nine

2007-10-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

The Nine was a short lived, but according to my family who watched it, a very good drama/thriller series on ABC last fall. (I never watched the show but I take their word for it). The premise: Nine people held hostage in a bank robbery and how all of their stories interwine together, or something like that. Apparently it was cancelled right when it was getting really good. Everytime someone in family sees an actor that was on the show, they shout at the TV: "What happened?!!"

But I will use this title for the members of my training class today at Enterprise Rent A Car. They are a pretty interesting group of people consisting of five men and four women. I am the only native Arizonan. Others look at me like I am some freak of nature that they have never seen before. Not because of how I look but rather because most people are not native to Arizona. Class is pretty interesting. Its not too difficult of tasks as other people in my class make it out to be. But here you go a list of The Nine.

MaryAnne- She's from South Africa. Has a pretty cool accent too. She's sweet enough. Kinda slow, but I am sure that is just due to trying to figure things like American taxes and stuff.

Frank- Frank is how you imagine a Frank to be like....just twenty years younger than what you expect a Frank to look like.

Dustin- We bonded. Over sports. Not too suprising. We are also birthday buddies as I exclaimed during class when our trainer saw that our birthdays were close together...two days exactly is how far apart we are in age. I'm older. We got out of class early today and I left at the same time he did. We were walking by each other and all of the sudden I realized that he was talking to me. So I suddenly had to figure out what he was talking about. Monday Night Football. I wished his team (the Colts) good luck and we bid farewell. Too bad he's not going to be at the same branch as mine.

Jesse- He is British/Indian but without the really attractive accent that many people of that origin have. Damn. At one point we were split into groups and were given a task to complete and the team that was the fastest and the most accurate won. We totally would have won but Jesse is the slowest writer in the entire world. My exteremly competitive side kicked in and I almost freaked out at him for being so slow. But I controlled myself and let it slide....but I will not forget it. And we will be in the same branch.

Kelli- She's from Tennessee. She has the accent. She talks way too much about nothing in particular. She is also one of those people who repeats herself a lot.

Jonathan- He's probably the most attractive of the group. But he's probably the most arrogant. I cannot really say why I think he is the most arrogant, it's just a feeling I get. I judge.

Corey- His wife just found out she is having a baby. He also complains too much. He was very upset that he was assigned to a branch that is thirty-five minutes away from where he lives. He lives in Buckeye! That's your own fault for living in Buckeye!! You aren't around anything!

Angie- She is this little thing from Oklahoma. A part of me wants to hate her because she is this tiny little blonde thing from Oklahoma, but I can't hate her. We actually get along quite well. We sit next to each other in class and we bonded at lunch. Plus, how can you hate someone who wears their name tag upside down for half of the day and wears enough blush to blush ten school girls?

Me- I am by far every one's favorite in the class. (I am biased however). I am the one who makes all the funny comments that makes the class more bearable. I am the one who gives all of the insightful, intelligent answers and who seems so interested in others about how they talk about their mundane lives and the weather.

So the class is good. I am super excited about the branch I am going to be working at. Its me, the Branch Manager Michelle and the rest (which is about seven people) are all guys!! Fantastic! I've never worked with men before. I was so excited I almost stopped by the branch to tell them how much I am looking forward to working with them, but I thought that would be a bit much. Oh well. Let's just hope that I have the same enthusiasm about the job six months from now.

Becoming a Woman

2007-10-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

So I became a woman last week.

I had my first "real" job interview wear a full suit, panty hose, and heels. It is really weird to look in the mirror and see this corporate version of myself. I have been interviewing with Enterprise Rent a Car, which is a bit ironic considering the hassle I had with them during my horrible car fixing experience. I was recruited by them (gotta love Careerbuilder.com) and I had my second interview with them this morning. My second interview was fun because I actually got to go to one of the branches and hang out with the workers. Working there will be fantastic because it won't be retail and I will be working with men! Can you imagine me working without a bunch of crazy, hormonal, gossipy women. It will be the most delightful change of my life.

I have another interview with the Regional Manager for sometime this week and if that goes well I will begin my training classes next week. Think of that me actually having a real job with good benefits and a limitless career path. If all goes to plan I could be making six figures in four years. We'll see. I am just excited to finally not be dealing with the horrors of retail management.

Well I am off to Target with my mom. They opened up a new Super Target down the street. Oh the journey to womanhood continues.

Quickie

2007-10-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

You know you have listened to an album too many times when you listen to a different album and you sing songs from the previous album in between tracks of the second album. (try following that!) Damn you the new Tegan and Sara!

This week I became a woman.........more on that later.

That's Not Something You Say to Someone

2007-08-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

So I went to my home stake's singles ward on Sunday. It was one of the most "out of my comfort zone" experiences of my life. I suddenly became peers with people who are five years younger than me and whom I grew up with not being my peers. I know that there are people my own age in the ward, I just don't already know them. It is weird.

There is this one kid Dan who I know from high school. We went to Homecoming together one year. It was probably the second worst date of my life. (We all know what the first one is.....Van Helsing). He very overtly complained about how expensive dinner was....dude, I got a salad. I felt more like an obligation than anything else. He asked me the Monday before....that's gotta make a girl feel good. Awful, awful date.

Anyway, for the past two years he has been asking my parents when I am moving back to Arizona. They give him enough information to satisfy him, but every time he saw them, he would ask. I was really hoping that he would have not been in the ward by the time I got back. Needless to say, he was there. Now, it's not like Dan is an unattractive guy, he just is socially inept. He does not know proper tact and/or etiquette.

For instance, after the block we had the infamous Munch and Mingle (I was secretly wishing to have a similar experience to Jen's with her first Munch and Mingle in a new ward....it didn't happen). I was trying my hardest to be social. I sat with people I didn't know. Chatted awkwardly about things.....then Dan sat down at the table.

"Oh hey Emily! How are you?"
"Hey Dan, I'm good."
"Have you been here the whole time?"
"Well today is my first Sunday if that's what you mean."
"No I mean have you gone to all the meetings today."
"Yeah, I've been here. You just must not have looked hard enough."
"Yeah you are right. I mean you are pretty short. I could have been looking and there would be no way of seeing you."
"Ha ha...yeah...I am short."
"So your parents told me that you were just hanging out in Utah for the past couple years not really doing anything. Just working and hanging out with friends...not really doing anything with your life. So you finally decided to grow up?"
At this point I am trying to decide whether he's just trying to be witty and not rude.
"Um......well....not exactly. I was going to school for a while and I was working after I graduated. I moved because I figured a change of scenery would do me good."
"So what did you graduate in?"
"Psychology....which is basically nothing."
The table laughs.
"Oh cool...that was a smart major to choose."
"Well you know I really liked it, so I wanted to do something that I liked."
"So you just working now?"
"Yep, just working...saving up for grad school."
"Yeah I hate those people who have graduated from college and they get a job that basically anyone can get and its like...why did you go to college in the first place?"
I ignored him.
After about ten more minutes of idle chit chat I decide that I have been social enough and I leave.

I will continue to go to that ward for the time being. I just hope there are more socially polite people besides Dan in the ward.

A (Somewhat) Better Goodbye

2007-08-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

So I moved. And I am terrible with saying goodbye to people. I really wish that I could say everything that I wanted to the people I care about in my final moments with them. But unfortunately, for whatever reason, I cannot. As a result, my farewells this past week were lackluster to say the least. So in an attempt to make myself feel better about it, I will say my goodbyes here.

To the One who was hit or miss:

I really could never figure out if you were really a loyal friend or not. I would like to assume that you were but from things that happened the last month, I am very unsure. But then again, I guess that one could say that I wasn't the best person to you as well. Regardless, you were there for me a ton and your insights provided much needed reassurance at times. As much as an overwhelming personality that you have, you make people feel good about themselves. I owe you a lot.

To the One who annoyed the hell out of me:

You annoyed the hell out of my 85% of the time we hung out together, but I loved you in spite of it. Yes there were the awkward moments that were had, but that is a given I suppose in a male/female non-romantic relationship. You really enjoyed my company and I really did feel like a million bucks when I was around you. You have the amazing ability to allow people to truly be themselves when they are around you and I appreciate that quality about you. I wish you the best in all that you do (as cheesy as that sounds). Good luck with the life changes that are coming your way in the next few months.

To the One who disappeared:

I considered you my best friend for the longest time. Every second of both of our spare time was spent with each other and I loved every moment of it. But as life happens sometimes, the old outta sight, outta mind adage came true and I rarely heard from you. Now you are married and I can no longer be friends with you. But I guess that is ok. You came along and helped me grow in a time in my life when I really needed it. Thank you. Just remember I am the champion of mixed cds....I know you agree with me.

To the One who surprised me:

Never in a billion and a half years would I have thought that the two of us would have become friends or even close for that matter. I am not quite sure why I would have thought that, maybe its because I judge....probably. Anyway, we did and I love you. I love your ambition and your passion. I really wish that I had the same drive that you do for the things that I undertake in my life. I am sorry for any unnecessary drama that I caused in your life. It was unintentional. But then again, let's not forget the nickname that you so proudly gave to me. I will miss the dance parties at Muse, the hours of reality television viewing, the five finger game and you loving every scandalous story that I had to tell you. My dad agrees....Happy Valley could be a fantastic reality show.

To the One I had a crush on:

I had the biggest crush on you. I really did. But alas there was always someone else....until I was leaving....but then I was leaving. Oh well, it probably wouldn't have worked out between the two of us.....or at least that is what I told myself.

To the One I feel in love with:

I mean not in any sort of sexual way...........or was it? Just kidding. Maybe. As a general rule in my life I hate girls. And I have to admit for a while I was trying really hard to be indifferent towards you, but I guess I was just jealous that got to hang out with my two favorite people when I couldn't. Eventually I realized that pretty much awesome and I changed my mind. Thankfully. I appreciate that added level of estrogen you provided to help balance things out. You really are one of the sweetest people that I know. I learned a lot about kindness and friendship from you. The only thing that I regret is that it took me so long to figure you out. I love you. V-club forever.

To the One who hates me:

I am sorry. I really did not intend to cause any hurt feelings. I know its not enough but there was no malice behind my actions. I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I am a girl. I apologize for my girlish tendencies. I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed. I really do mourn for the loss of our friendship. But that was the consequence of my own actions.

To the One who I wish I was closer to:

I understand why we weren't, but that doesn't make me wish that we were. You are one of the sweetest people I know. You have the ability to do so much in your life, just don't let yourself forget that. Do not sabotage your own success. You really do have a cheerleader in me even though you have no idea.

To the One who was always there:

I dreaded saying goodbye to you the second I made the decision to leave. And on Thursday night, I could not bare to look you in the eyes and say goodbye. Even now typing this up I am crying. I cannot even begin to tell you how much you have meant to me over the years, especially this past one. You are more loyal than I could ever pretend to be. You have such an engaging personality that everyone loves you who meets you. I am far too cynical for instant connections like that. I knew that I could always depend on you for support. We had a lot of good times over the years and some of my most fond memories include time spent with you. It breaks my heart to say goodbye to you. I will miss you like hell. I will unnecessarily worry about you. But I am grateful for your friendship....it is quite unique but it is one of my most valued possessions. You too have the world at your fingertips. My only advice for you is to just accept that you are awesome and take on the world with that justifiable confidence. I love you.

Goodbye to everyone who was so instrumental in my time in Utah. I cannot tell you what you have meant to me. I now begin a new phase. Let's just hope I don't screw this up.

He-llo

2007-07-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dear blog,

I am sorry I have neglected you so. I suppose you now know how all of my other journals and diaries feel. I am awful. I know. But I have not been able to get internet service at my apartment and lugging my computer around to other people's houses seems tedious. I guess what it comes down to is that I am lazy. I do apologize for my absence.

Yours,

Emily

Musings While Melancholy Music Fills My Ears

2007-02-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

I fall "in love" far too easily.

My heart seems to be continually breaking these past few weeks.

I'm sorry I so vehemently reject the idea of have sex with you....even if you do have an amazing wiener.

I feel like something is missing.....let me know if you find it for me.

Sleeping in the fetal position doesn't make you feel embraced.

Attached to People I Don't Know

2007-02-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

One of the nicest things about my job is that I am constantly interacting with other people. Between other employees and the obsessive mothers who come in to shop, I deal with a lot of people in my day. Naturally, I tend to favor some more than other and for a select few I am quite fond of them, but I would not say that I am necessarily attached to any one of them.

I am, however, attached to several other people that I come across on a quite regular basis because of my job that aren't necessarily related to it.

Key Bank
We do all of our deposits at this bank and whenever I open up the store, which is at least three times a week, I go inside the bank to deposit the previous day's cash and checks and take care of any other monetary requirements I may need for that day. The turnover for tellers at this bank is rather astonishing and there have been several different ones that I have encountered in my nine months as being a manager. There was Lance my secret crush who I never had the courage to talk to more than, "Hey, here's my deposit. Have a good day/weekend." He transferred to a different bank before I was able to make my move. There were a couple others in between. But it seems to have settled down and the three main tellers that I deal with.

Chelsea- She has been there for as long as I have been a manager so I suppose you could call her the veteran. She's very efficient at her job and is really good at talking to you when you are in the mood to chat but also leaving you alone when you are an anti-social morning. She is pregnant and is due in mid June.

Brandon- I really did not like him when he first started working. He was very slow and I was not very patient with his learning curve at his new job. But once he settled in, he became my favorite just because he is so easy going. He is a nice attractive young man who just loves hanging out with his fiance and watch Grey's Anatomy. Recently he was growing out a bread that I thought looked terrible so I gave him a hard time about it every time I saw him. He shaved it off about a week ago.

Tami- She is the newest teller at the bank. I was unsure of her, but she was so friendly to me, I just had to like her. The first time I dealt with her she instantly wanted to know who I was, what I did and if I liked my job, but she did it in a way which wasn't annoying to me. She was engaged but it was broken off and I haven't heard the whole story about that.

Subway

For some reason I end up eating at Subway for lunch just about everyday. The girls that work there know exactly what I want and they just make my sandwich for me. I love it. Sheri the manager always complains to me about how rude the customers are at Subway or how much she hates the company in general. She's one of those people that she's really nice to me, but I would hate to be on her bad side. Then there is this other obnoxious girl that works there who acts like we are best friends and if I'm the only person in the store, she will talk my ear off, even as I am trying to politely make my way out of the store.

Steak Out

I used to eat here all the time about two years ago because I had a crush on one of the workers. Eventually I got sick of the food and didn't go back. But last week I had an urge to go there for dinner. I walked in and the manager Mitch (who I did not have a crush on) said, "Hey there Emily. You want a chicken sandwich no onions with a root beer right?" which was the order that I got when I went there all the time. I was honestly shocked that he had remembered that after nearly two years of me not coming in. I didn't know whether to be completely embarrassed or impressed about this, but I took it all in stride and told him that he had my order correct. Then he said that he missed me coming around. Pretty sure he just missed my money.

Maintenance Boy

Since the shopping mall I work at is outside there is a maintenance boy who is outside everyday sweeping up the leaves, shoveling the snow, and taking out the garbage. He is a nice guy very mountain man-ish who I find strangely sexy. I've never had a conversation with the boy beyond, "Hey, good morning. It's really cold out here." But he always waves and smiles every time our paths cross which is nice and I appreciate.

Then there's the other people like the Bath and Body Works ladies who for some reason love me even though I hardly ever buy from them and the only time I go in to their store is to ask how busy they have been or I will run in to them while I am getting lunch. Or there is Pam who works at Classy Cuisine who is by far one of the nicest people I know. There are all sorts of different people that I come across almost every day that I just love with all of my heart. I know trivial things about them, Sheri at Subway has a 15 year old son, Sharon at Bath and Body works gets her Subway wraps toasted, Maintance boy wears the same grey beanie every day, but I feel like if they weren't in my life I would be a little less sane at work. I will miss them when I don't work there anymore.

Apparently Emily Is Not Enough

2007-02-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

Recently at work the girls have decided to come up with nicknames for everybody. I do not necessarily support this decision because they are forcing nicknames and I feel that nicknames should come about naturally and over time. But it got me thinking...I've had A TON of nicknames through the years. And here you go ladies and gentlemen, the list.

Em (the obvious one)
Emmy
Emiliza Jane
Sea Anmenane (I never know how to spell that...the sea creature)
Mumbling Motormouth Mathematician (Mumbles for short)
Eggo
Twinkie
Pooh Bear
Emboleeeee (the number of "e"s varied depending on who was talking)
Em-Dawg (Only one person called me that, but they would do it all the time and it was so obnixous)
Embot
Lioness
Little One
Raja
Emillo
Emilio
Jemily (sorry, but it was)
Emery or Emery Steve
Bird
Emalina

That's all that I can remember at the moment. And I'm sure that there will be more to come in the future.

Why Does This Always Happen to Me?

2007-01-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

Last night was inventory night at the good old Gymboree and I was strangely looking forward to it. Mainly because anytime I can get paid to work at Gymboree without having to deal with customers, I am all for. This year for inventory we were informed that our store in addition to just the regular inventory people, we were going to have an independent auditing crew as well. The company randomly selects stores that will have this additional crew and this year, our store #451 Shops at the Riverwoods was selected. This meant that our district manager also needed to come to our store for inventory to oversee it all.

Now our district manager is the devil. Bethany (the store manager) and I refer to her as it quite frequently. She really is a freak, not only in her appearance (5 foot 3 inches and probably 90 pounds with eyes that have no soul behind them). The Devil will lure you into a false security that she's on your "side" just for you to be on her "side" and then she uses you for all that your worth and then leaves you in the cold. The Devil is also very condescending towards people like during one store visit when she asked one of my team members if they knew what standards meant.

The only reason I was looking forward to having The Devil there the whole night was so that we could put her to work so she really knew what inventory was like because I'm still convinced she has no idea what it is like. As far as the additional auditing crew I was excitied to have just the extra help with the whole process because the inventory crew is a bit of a disaster.

I think Ali put it best when she described the people that do inventory as "circus freaks" that are "one step away from having a psychological break-down". These people are the most unfortunate of the most unfortunate. It is great that they have a job to support themselves I suppose but they are people that if you meet in a dark alley late at night you would fear them. And these are the people that you are trusting to make an accurate count of your store so it does not seem like you have been stolen from. It is a bit daunting.

I arrive at the store at 8:30 to help with that last bit of prep work we needed to do before the store closed and the inventory people came at 9ish. Bethany and Karly (whom I love she's my age and has two kids, makes me feel like I have wasted my life away at times) are already on a roll. They are laughing hysterically at things that really are not that funny and keep joking around that it is my fault that things are not going correctly. I am not really in the mood to be as jovial as the two of them seem to be but I am appreciative that they will at least make the evening enjoyable. The inventory crew has already called to inform us that they are late because they are having a hard time trying to find our store. It has also taken them a half hour to get from University Mall to Riverwoods which should only take someone ten minutes tops. So everyone is getting pretty frustrated with the whole thing. Finally the inventory people show up and Bethany asks me to finish closing down one of the registers.

As I am closing the register, a very attractive man walks into the store and I immediately check to see if he has a wedding ring on (out of habit) and see that he doesn't and I fall in love with him. He says that he is from the auditing company and Bethany greets him and he asks where he needs to set his stuff up. While he goes into our backroom, I decide that I am just going to go for it and be the biggest flirt in the world with him, which the rest of the world as just being normal flirting. I had to go to the backroom to get my store keys to finish closing the registers down. Bethany and the attractive boy are talking to each other and I am introduced to him. "Emily, this is Dan." I smile and Bethany leaves the room. I linger a bit and ask Dan why our store was chosen to be audited and what he was going to do. I didn't pay attention to half of what he was saying but I did catch that he had to be there until the entire inventory process was over. I could not believe how lucky I was to have this attractive boy here the whole night.

I continue to close the registers and Dan comes out and stands near me. His mere presence is so distracting that I keep messing up my money count. It was not a good sign of things to come.

The entire inventory team the ones actually scanning things up was still not there, so me, Megan and Karly begin pre-counting the entire store. We do so in about fourty five minutes. The Devil also shows up during this time and she is pissed because they are about an hour late. When they finally arrive, we find out that three of the eight people there have never done inventory before and we were their first store. We also had the inventory company's regional manager there that night and the team leader Tommy, it was his first time working the computer system. So it was looking up to be a fun night.

As they were scanning things in and we were checking when there were discrepencies in numbers, Karly came up to me and said, "Hey our auditing boy is single and cute......" I told her that I noticed and I realize that Dan is within hearing distance of the conversation and I am embarrassed about it. Karly kept teasing me about it for a while later. She would look at me and then look and point at me and smile. And I would immediately turn bright red and she told me to keep blushing because it made me look cute. I decided to avoid Karly for a while.

The scanning process was talking a while and I asked Dan if he brought his sleeping bag and pillow with him. He laughed and said that he usually slept in his truck. At one point I was talking to Bethany and told her that I had a secret crush on the auditor and she looked at me and said, "Oh it's not secret." It was nice to know that my attempts at flirting were noticed and that maybe for once it would actually get me somewhere.

At about midnight Karly started to say quotes from movies and then ask me to name the movie. I could never guess what they were from and I would always ask her what it was and she would never be able to remember what movie they were from, which seemed to defeat the purpose of the game. One time she exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! Its my favorite movie and I can't remember what the name of it is." She finally had to call her husband to ask him what the movie was. It was The Notebook. Then there was a discussion about the movie. I mentioned that when I saw it the boy I watched it with at the end of the movie noticed that I wasn't crying and asked if I had a soul. Everyone (Karly, Bethany, and one of inventory girls) was shocked that I didn't cry. Dan smiled at me and said that he didn't really like the movie.

So the scanning process really was taking forever mainly because most of the people were new at it. And Bethany and Karly were getting a little loopy. At one point during our hysterics, The Devil exclaims that she is going to get her camera to record it all. And she literally prances back into the backroom to get her little camera. It was probably one of my most cherished moments in my life. During all of this, Dan and I kept looking at each other with a I can't believe this is really happening look. I was enjoying every single moment of it.

At some point during the night I overheard Dan and Karly talking and I hear the following:

"So how long have you been married?" Karly
"About three years." Dan

I was completely heartbroken and mad because the kid wasn't wearing his ring and he had been flirting back with me the entire evening! So I began to distance myself from him after that because I was beginning to realize that my interactions with him were inappropriate. But at one point I was sitting across the store from him and he looked at me and motioned for me to come over to him. I did and he said, "So I've been thinking about this for about an hour. If you didn't cry at The Notebook what movies do you cry in or do you just not cry in movies at all." I was caught off guard and had trouble coming up with movies that I had cried in. I came up with a few lame ones. But the only thing I could really think of that I consistently cry about is sporting events. I mentioned a couple of times that I did they were pretty embarrassing and I don't share them with many people. Dan looked at me and all he could say was, "That is the coolest thing that I have ever heard."

It broke my heart all over again.

Karly lamented with me later on that it was disappointing that he was married because she was convinced that she was going to have me a date by the end of the night. Oh Karly how I wish that was true.

Inventory finally ended at three in the morning and I finally had to say good bye to Dan. I drove away still thinking about him and how angry I would be if I was his wife and found out he acted this way to me. This seems to happen to me quite a bit. More than most people I know. Boys in relationships leading me on. All I really can say is:

Oh well.

"You've Changed. You're Daring. You're Different in the Woods."

2007-01-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

I've had Into the Woods songs stuck in my head for the past few days. I have no idea what brought it on. Usually when I get songs stuck in my head its because of logical things: heard the song recently, sang the song, said or heard a lyric from the song or something that reminded me of a lyric of the song. Nope, not this time. Honest, the lyrics just started to repeat in my head one day at work. The monotony of straightening has finally caught up with me I guess. It's not been necessarily annoying just out of the blue and unexpected. And for me, I don't get entire songs stuck in my head, just a few lines or so, and I suppose that is the annoying part.

Here's to you Sondheim! And here's to the time in Chicago and the group sing-a-long.

In the Passenger Seat

2006-12-16T12:40:00.000-08:00

I guess it started my senior year in high school. Between Leighton's and Richard's cars, I spent a lot of time in the passenger seat, driving around aimless just to talk. Whether it was about the latest drama that was going on in our circle of friends (which was way too much as I remember) or just trying to grasp the future, we talked about it. Leighton in particular was infamous for the line, "Just one more time around the block." For some reason the car was the best place to chat.

With Richard, it was in his car where we discussed our reactions to finding out that one of our best friends was gay. In his car, I confessed to him my feelings, and then immediately got rejected which made the ninety second car ride from my friends house to mine, the longest in my entire life. Or the time that we had to escape a potentially violent road rage incident in his car. All the while in the passenger seat.

Then I came to college and again, more passenger seats, this time particularly in Facundo. Like the night we meant to go to Utah Lake and ended up at Mount Timpanogas Temple. Or when we just needed to get out of the house to discuss the most personal confessions, I sat in the passenger seat.

There have been many other passenger seats that I've been in discussing my relationship with the driver. Most of these conversations I would like to forget. But still they happened within the comfort of a car.

The most strange game of truth or dare I've ever participated in took place while I was in the passenger seat.

And now, another passenger seat. Ali and I have driven around for countless hours just because. A lot of times, we end up at the parking lot of the trail to the "Y" where we were convinced that we saw a ghost once. There was also the time with the clown pounding on people's car windows. All of these drives have been great and I am in the passenger seat, my unexpected comfort zone.

Musings While Electronica Fills My Ears

2006-11-22T21:19:00.000-08:00

So I have not checked my email for quite some time (while having a new computer is great...it is giving my troubles i.e. not being able to access wirelessly, speakers that cut out far too often). I was surprised when I saw that I had 168 new emails. However, 99.9% of them were junk. It was very depressing. Not saying that I am a regular emailer of others, but I didn't even get a damn forward over a three week period. I got one from the Idaho Department of Tourism, which was funny merely because I've been to Idaho twice and I have been highly unimpressed with the state as a whole and found it ironic that I would be contacted via email to visit the fine state famous for its potatoes. (After one awesomely fabulous run on sentence, I continue). Maybe I should just stop checking my email all together.

It's nice to be somewhat financially self reliant. As much as I would like to deny it, I am an adult working a practically full time job. Although it would be nice to make a little more money, I find it nice that I am able to pay for all of my bills (which are many) and still not have to stress out too much if I find a cute shirt that I like. Fiscal responsibility...who knew!

And as much as I would like to believe, I am still a junior high girl. I get a new crush on a boy every other week. And act like a complete moron as I try to convince myself and others that this time it really is going to work out and ultimately just like every other crush in my life, it doesn't. But I realized that I go through a pattern like this. I go through a stage of like a whole bunch of boys in a short amount of time and then settle on one to pine for, which lasts six months up to three years, and then that doesn't work and I go back to liking five in a month and a half. I disgusts myself sometimes in my "dating" behaviors.

Thanksgiving should be interesting. My first big holiday without being with my family. Surprisingly I am not that sad. Maybe I am just completely detached from reality and that is why I'm experiencing this uncharacteristic lack of emotion. But on the other hand, I get to go a catered Thanksgiving dinner with my roommate's extended family and get to have the chance to have shrimp for Thanksgiving. Now I hate sea food, but just knowing that I have the option of having shrimp for Thanksgiving makes me very happy. I am thankful for pilgrams.

Me Vs. ....Me

2006-11-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

It is so cliche I can hardly stand myself to even discuss it; however, the inward struggle is probably one of the few things that is a truly universal human experience. (Maybe monkeys experience it too, now that's a thought).

I digress.

I just find it so interesting that I can feel completely confident to the point of arrogance and horribly self-doubting all about the same instance in my life. I just wish that I could somehow come to some sort of compromise between the two "me"s and be done with the situation. I wish I didn't doubt my judgements, but I have been so wrong so many times before.

You are just so afraid of ruining it.

The summation of all of my insecurities right then and there, coined by someone who has given me so many.

History clearly was not my best subject.

2006-10-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

So I went and saw Marie Antoniette last night. It was a good enough movie if you can get over the fact that it's Kirsten Dunst, the costumes do not match the time period, and the historic liberties the movie takes, and it's a really slow moving two hour movie. But it was a very escapist film. If you really want to be caught up in a different world for a couple of hours, go see this movie. Now, I am terrible at my history. But I'm pretty sure that Marie Antoniette gets beheaded by the mobs the storm the palace....I think. So the way the movie ended did not seem at all realistic. One moment the entire palace is surrounded by angry mobs with fire and pick forks. The next scene the royal family is whisked away in a carriage without a single disgruntled peasant to be seen. I dunno....it didn't seem to add up to me. But then again....I don't know my history as well as I should....except for per say, design history (man, I really am a loser).

Don't Give Away the End

2006-10-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

Happy 23.

I've realized that as much as I like to think otherwise, I am totally influenced by the people I am around. I really would like to think that I can be completely genuinue me around anyone, regardless of the situation. Unfortunately, I become whatever others want me to be. If people want to be entertained, I become the center of attention with no shame. If people want to be validated, I am the worlds best listener. If people want an audience, I become a wallflower with nothing to say. If people want to be funny, I laugh. If people want to be cheered up, I make a fool out of myself. More and more I am realizing that I am a product of others needs and desires. I so desperately wish that I wasn't constantly seeking others approval and as a result changing (to an extent) who I am.

I wish I still wasn't in love.

I think I am finally ok with just being friends.

I wish I had clarity.

I think I am going to give him my number tomorrow.

I wish Jimmy Eat World didn't make me cry.

I think I should go to bed.

Clearly this person is a daft moron....Oh look there's another one too.

2006-10-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

Most days, I love my job. Everyday I don't want to go, but once I get there I genuinely love what I do. Today was one of those days when I didn't.

I begin today by leaving the back office and going out on to the floor at about five minutes to 10 (when we open) to do some last minute paper work before the store opens. I see that there is a lady waiting outside the door looking very anxious to get into the store. I think to myself, Man she's going to have to wait five minutes before I let her in. The lady sees me and begins to shake on the door to the store. This is a usual reaction by customers. Once they see me in the store, they automatically think that the store is open and so they try to walk in but soon realize that it is closed. And this behavior does not bother me at all. However, this lady took it to the extreme. She continued to push on the door, I really began to think that she assumed that she could somehow push her way into the store. But I did not budge. I continued to work on my paper work and let her wait until it was ten. She continued to push on the door and then make eye contact with me and made a motion to her wrist, like "Don't you see what time it is?" I could not believe her behavior. But I finally opened up the store two minutes early just because she was being so unbelievable.

I forgave her though because she ended up spending $200. But as I ringing her up at the register, she left the counter and was looking around the store for some other unnecessary clothing to buy for her overly spoiled child, and customer number two came into the store and walked right up the register and started to stare at me. I looked at her and gave her a look like, Can I help you? She looked at me for a second and then asked, "Are you ringing someone up?" I wanted to tell her, "No I just like scanning in clothes for fun. It's actually why I got a job here. I just really like the scanner." But I refrained. I told her that I was ringing someone up. To which she said, "Well I need to do a return." To which I replied, "I will be glad to help you as soon as I am done with this customer." To which she rolled her eyes and basically threw her return at me and said, "Well I'll just look around then!"

I just had to try to not crack a smile about this lady's behavior. So I was done with Customer #1 and was making my way to help Customer #2. She kept talking to me like I was in second grade and needed her to walk me through how to breathe. But I understand that there some people who really like to feel superior to the sales associate so I let them have their moment of glory and do not seem to be bothered by how they are treating me.

Then there was Customer #3 who was waiting behind Customer #2 with a pair of pajamas in her hand. When I was done with Customer #2, I turned my attention to Customer #3. She asked me if I had any more of the pajamas in the back (mind you these pajamas had just been returned and we had been sold out of these for a while as well as most of the country). I told her that we didn't have anymore. She asked if any of the other stores nearby had it. I told her they didn't and that people had been calling the stores throughout the country to find those pajamas. Then Customer #3 rolled her eyes at me and said, "This is ridiculous. I tried to get these pajamas back in September and you guys didn't have any. Maybe next year you guys can get a clue and make enough." Then Customer #3 huffed out of the store.

I once again tried really hard not to laugh. Yes lady I personally make the clothes and I had a personal vendetta against you and I didn't want your kids to have skeleton pajamas this year. Good grief. Then Customer #4 came in and I greeted her and she then said, "I'm looking for someone who was supposed to be in your store." (pause) "She had a baby."

Now let's remember that I work at a baby store and most women have babies with them as they are shopping. So I told the woman, "Well we had about three other women in here with a baby..."

The lady took my comment as rude and cut me off and said, "Nevermind." and left the store.

So the first four customers in my store this morning were awful and it made my day start off wonderfully. And to top it all off, the district manager (Satan as we call her) stopped by for a suprise store audit which honestly almost gave me a heart attack. Oh that woman takes people souls and eats them.

God bless Gymboree and retail as an institution.

Oh Eff it, I'll Get My Own Blog

2006-10-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

Here she be. My own blog. It's been a while since I have had one of these. Let's hope that this one turns out better. Not quite sure why I decided on Gaylord, but I'm pretty sure that someone said it during the conversation that is happening in the room that I am in. For some reason it seemed so fitting.

Words matter guys. (I really should look into copywriting that.)